Mayan Shhmapocalypse

It seems everyone is joking about the Mayan calendar, or is suspiciously serious about it.  I think people are reading too much into this end of the world speculation.  The Mayans lived hundreds to thousands of years ago, how could they possibly have a clue as to when our world will end if it will at all?  It doesn't explicitly say this is the end of the world in their texts, their calendar just ends.  This is probably what really happened:

3000 years ago.  In one of the first developing Mayan villages a scrawny young man chisels at a block of stone.  A tall muscular Mayan man walks by...

Scrawny Mayan speaks up: Excuse me, great leader.  I have to speak to you about something.
Great Leader:  What is it, calendar bitch?
Calendar Bitch: My name is Steve...
Great Leader:  Whatever Steve, what is it?
Steve:  I've hit a road block with the calendar making.
Great Leader:  What the fuck is a calendar?
Steve[rolls his eyes]:  It's the thing we use to know what day it is?

Great Leader nearly laughs at the ridiculous idea of needing such a thing.

Steve:  Well, we don't have a enough numbers.  We need to invent more numbers so we can count higher and therefore assign the dates when we get to them.
Great leader:  How many numbers are we up to?
Steve:  Orgsurg
Great leader thinks for a moment and grins.
Great Leader: You know how many women I've slept with?
Steve:  How many?
Great Leader:  Orgsurg! Gahahahaha!

Great leader is nearly in tears but Steve is not amused.

Steve:  This very important, Great Leader.  Didn't you read the last tablet I gave you?
Great Leader:  Nope, it's at the bottom of the lake.
Steve:  How did it get there?!
Great Leader:  I was gonna read it while taking a bath, but it just sank.
Steve:  I told you you shouldn't put any tablets in water!  It was the most advanced tablet yet, it had more meaningful applications than the last one, 3!
Great Leader:  I don't like reading so can you shorten it?
Steve:  I'll make you a mini tablet if you promise to read it.
Great Leader:  Done.  
Steve:  But we need to figure out this Calendar issue.  If we're not around, people might think it's some sort of expiration date for our planet.
Great Leader [looking confused]:  Expiration date?  Planet?
Steve [sighs]: Expiration date is like when you hunt and kill something, we have to cook and eat the meat before the bugs start living in it and the fuzzy stuff grows on it, or we'll get sick and die.
Great Leader:  Oh, I love it that way man.  Lots of extra flavor.

Steve is looking exasperated.
Steve:  Well, we need to figure this out, we may not be around forever.
Great Leader:  Of course we are.  Those gods from the sky temples got our backs.  What did they call themselves again?
Steve:  Jedi or Vulcans, can't remember.  I hope they come back soon, I need new tools.  Oh and more wall space, I ran out of room for the rest of the calendar when we have more numbers.
Great leader:  Don't sweat it muchacho.  Maybe gods will come from across the ocean and bring us more numbers, then your problem will be solved!  
Steve:  I don't know if we should trust anyone that comes across water.  Sky? sure.  But the Ocean, I feel like they wouldn't be looking after our best interests.
Great leader:  Whatever.  I'm off to kill some stuff and sacrifice some shit so the gods come back.  See you later Calendar bitch!
Steve:  It's Steve... [but he's already out of ear shot]


Anyway, I feel like this is just as plausible as the end of the world.  And who knows, maybe that Calendar/tablet making savant was reincarnated in a leadership role later on in history.  

Twits, Tweets and Twats

First, I acknowledge the immense irony it is that I'm blogging about twitter.  It's like announcing facebook events on myspace or, if you're old enough to remember it, friendster.

I use to be a very inactive twitter user.  Meaning that I'd sign onto it about every 3-6 months and guffaw and laugh at a few things and then get annoyed by the rest of the nonsense that is on there.  Recently, I've been on it a bit more because of my new smartphone.  But it's still a lot of the same old nonsense.

If this site pares down our lives to 140 characters (and is the new blogging), I don't really know if humanity is in good shape.  Most regular twits (twitterers? tweeters?) mentioned some recognition of the tragedy in Colorado, but it was right back to tit and fart jokes again.  I don't have a deftly articulated way or describing it, but I'm beginning to become concerned about the way our social and worldly experience is shaped by the internet.  Is it true to the human spirit?  Is it desensitizing? Or just the opposite (the example of all the outpouring of support for the bullied bus monitor comes to mind)?

Anyway, to further the irony of this entry, I will end this blog with a retweet.
By KfuckingP:  Love is like a fart.  If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.

There was another good one about pillows and vaginas, but I can't remember it off the top of my head.

Pardon the Expression...

..but real life kinda blows.  I've known this for quite some time, but it seems that with age you acquire deeper and more profound versions of this sentiment. 

Job (the current-please-dear-God-let-it-be-temporary one I've got): blows
Job searching:  blows
Living situation:  blows
Relationship status:  Single, which has been for quite sometime something I've enjoyed and still do to some degree.  But I think the risen urgency in my mother's comments about getting married, along with every other person I see who I haven't talked to in a while has driven me to think KOST 103.5 is a cult radio station and everyone is drinking relationship kool-aid.
 The other day I was working at my mother's office and her friend walks in with her daughter and a friend and her two daughters.  Immediately she gets to trying to hook me up with one of the three young women as if our holy Jesus Christ were about to pass judgment upon us if she didn't get me betrothed that very instant.  She then requests from me a piece of paper and pen and not-so-subtly forces one of the women to write her name and phone number down.  Oh and email too!  Korean mothers know about these now.  Anyway, I don't really plan on calling her because I don't feel compelled to chase every opportunity to have a relationship and I really don't feel all that bad about being single.  BUT, I guess I'm feeling a little bit more open to it.  The urgency surrounding me causes it to be a frustration at times.

Reality Bites.  I love this movie but it's come be associated, for me, to unhappy endings of various sorts because of a somewhat unhappy experience from several years ago that had involved this movie.  Maybe it was an omen.  Maybe I'm self-fulfilling prophecy because I liked that movie to begin with. 

There's still lots about life that's good too.  My golf game has made significant progress (Doug, when I come to Denver I'm gonna make you cry!)  I've done a good amount of reading this summer and not all of it was mindless crap :)  I'm planning some trips over the next couple months, which is something to look forward too.  Overall average isn't bad, actually slightly positive so...pardon the (negative) expression.

Point A to Point Billionaire

I'm sure at some point in your life you were having a conversation with someone about how if you could come up with that one idea, whether it's a website or invention, you could make millions and not have to worry about money again.  So far, I do not know anyone personally who has actually come up with an idea and made millions.  The reality is the idea really doesn't have to be all that great.  Just take a look at the Shake-Weight and Sham-wow.

So what makes the millions?  To get from wherever you are in life to that fantasy lifestyle of having millions in the bank seems simple enough, have an idea.  But really, the idea is point A, and there's a long line of points to get from point A to point Billionaire.  It takes smarts, ingenuity and commitment to follow through on something that will reward you with millions, possibly billions, of dollars.  

So, what does that say about me and most of the people I know who are all still a long ways away from +millionaire status?  For me, I can say that I'm lazy and I give up quickly or get distracted easily.  But deep down, I think this is what separates the haves and the have-nots:  They enjoy making money more than the idea of having it.  Most of my fantasies do not involve the countless hours of work it would take to acquire the money, I just think about what kind of ridiculous things I'd buy.  Most of the smart and accomplished millionaires/billionaires continue to work while leading surprisingly quiet and humble lives, at least in relation to their wealth (look at Mark Zuckerberg and Warren Buffett).  

I had dinner with a family friend a while back who came from a wealthy family but also worked very hard to acquire and increase his own wealth.  After some changes in his professional career he found himself without work, but still very wealthy and in no need of a job.  I told him it must be nice to just be able to play, relax and have the freedom of his wealth.  He said to me that there was no fun in spending money if he wasn't working for it.  Just having it wasn't satisfying.  

Anyway, I hope no one thinks I'm equating wealth or professional accomplishments with happiness.  It's not.  Money makes many things in life easier, but it doesn't necessarily make you happier.  It may bring you pleasure for a while, but that doesn't last.  Enjoying your work and finding meaning in it is very good too and if you make a bunch of money, great.  If you don't, it shouldn't make you any less happy.  

Making of a Super Baby

I've been thinking more and more about marriage and someday raising a family.  Not that I really need a relationship right now or suddenly have baby-fever or anything (I hope guys don't get that).  

Anyway, I get concerned about how I'm going to mess up my children when I have them.  I have a strange fear that I'm going to, while sleep walking, sell them on the black market (I'm gonna have to delete my black market #'s from my phone when I have kids).  I also have a desire to give my children strange names.  I want to name my son, Daughter.  So when I introduce him to friends I will say, "here is my son, Daughter."  And there will be an awkward moment where people aren't sure what gender the child is or if they might be a hermaphrodite, because they'll think I said "son-daughter" rather than my son named Daughter.  

Anyway again, I decided that it might be advantageous to see if an iphone can be installed into my wife's uterus.  They have all those child brain development videos now and you can just load it up on the iphone and get the kid an early start.  Also, instead of having the kid listening to Mozart, I'm gonna have them listen to foreign language audio books.  They'll be well-read and multi-lingual before the umbilical cord gets snipped.  

Also, I was gonna look into injecting the newborn with HGH (human growth hormone).  I want that baby up and running around as soon as possible.  The kid is gonna be the first to be scouted by colleges before getting to preschool.  Don't tell my wife.  I might delay it a week or two so we can get some videos and photos of the impotent baby.  Kinda like a before and after thing.

Also again, I'm thinking of developing a new pluralistic type of religion.  I was gonna tell the child that we had thought about aborting it due to health complications and what not, but decided to keep him/her and it was a miracle that he's there today.  He'll be religious, a virgin AND thankful.  Yeah, I'm trying to make another Tim Tebow.  

Anyway again again, does anyone else have any suggestions on how to make a baby super?  I mean realistic super, not radiation-leads-to-mutant-powers super.  

Welcome to the Post-Apocalyptic World!

Ok, this post might be a little high-brow, but I'll keep it short and try to throw in a dirty joke somewhere.  

So, the rapture happened.  Or some would say that it didn't.  Actually, everyone says that it didn't and the one who predicted it said he made a mistake...again.  It's now going to happen on Oct 21st.  Mark your calendars for more disappointment!

Well, I would like to make a couple arguments about why it did happen. 

1.  On May 21st at 6pm local time, everyone in this world had to deal with the consequences of the lives they had lived up until that point.  Boom!  Welcome to the post-apocalyptic world biatch!  Depending on your life choices, you are now living in a heaven, hell or purgatory of sorts.  It wasn't what you expected, right?  Well, who said it was going to be anything different?  This leads me to the second argument...

2.  The apocalypse happened on May 21st, but it also happened a bunch of times before and will happen again.  According to ancient Indian and Egyptian philosophy, the universe is unlimited on time, but limited in material (stuff that's in it).  Therefore eternal recurrence.  Simply put, the universe repeats itself and we live the same life over and over again because there isn't enough stuff to make it different (at least in any significant way).  So, out of the infinite number of times we've lived a life similar to this, a world may have ended on May 21st, just not this current iteration.

3.  According to God, the apocalypse happened.  It just hasn't happened to us yet.  God is the beginning and the end, His understanding of time and space is much more superior than to ours.  Our conception of linear time is an oversimplification to cope with our dilemmas in causality and morality.  May 21st may have been the end of the world, we just don't have access to God's calendar or the capacity to understand when that is according to our calendar.  

I realize these arguments are weak and essentially argues for a this-world based outlook.  What if we are already living in a type of heave/hell/purgatory?  What if moments of high-anxiety or stress is a moment in hell?  It is temporary, but not necessarily non-eternal, because we will face stress or anxiety again. Same with those happy moments. 

Anyway, this Harold Camping guy has a fixation on needing to know when the end will happen (I'd be interested in a Freudian or Lacanian psychoanalysis of this guy).  As a believer, is he feeling impotent about making the world better and only looks forward to knowing when he'll leave it?  Why does he need this release so bad?  This may be borderline heretical, but I promised a sex joke so I'm going to use a sex analogy.  Camping sees life on earth as a one night stand with an ugly person.  He has little to no intention of staying any longer than he has to.  He plots and analyzes to figure out when his exit is.  He thinks he's gonna bone a supermodel for the rest of his life if he can just get out of this fugly's apartment.  The better outlook is probably to just enjoy the time you have with a special person, it's a gift after all*. 

I believe that faith, no matter what it is in, is something that supports (the self, the community, environment, society, the world) and fills the faith-holder with hope and happiness, not this dread-spreading disdain for the rest of humanity and the world.  Friedrich Nietzsche used the idea of eternal recurrence to argue for a life and world loving outlook.  It's kinda like the movie Groundhog Day.  Bill Murray's character thought he was in hell until he learned to embrace it and found himself in a kind of heaven.  I think any "good" deity would want it that way.   

*I am not implying that sex is a commodity that can or should be gifted. 

Phonetiquette

I think at this point everyone has encountered or been the culprit of inappropriate cell phone usage in social situations*.  It still seems a bit unclear on what is the appropriate protocol for using your cell phone when in the presence of others, professional and casual.  

We've all said/heard/thought things like: 

• If talking to that person is so important, why aren't you with them instead?
• Do you seriously need to facebook status update that we're hanging out?  Does that make it real?  
• If you look at that phone one more time I'm never inviting you over for dinner ever again.
• Checking your phone to see IF you have an alert every 10 minutes does not make you interesting, it makes needy and boring.  

Well, you get the idea.  Mobile phones have become a necessary part of our personal and professional lives, but it's important to maintain our ability to interact in person. So, I've come up with a few things that may help curb the excessive lack of, what I call, Phonetiquette.

In a date situation, if the accompanying date has stated they are expecting an important phone call then a little forgiveness is permissible.  If phone-checking is chronic and consistent:

• Go to the bathroom every time they do.  
• Yawn
• If you're a girl and you're fairly sure he's gonna be paying for dinner, make a drinking game out of it and order a shot every time.
• Text them the date is over (this can be done on one of your many trips to the bathroom).
• If you're a girl, talk about sex and how it's been a while and then pretend to get a text and tell him that you have to go meet a "friend".  

In social/group situations:

• If someone is expecting a call and leaves the phone on the table, ask them if it's alright if you put your penis on the table, because you're expecting to have sex eventually (this could potentially be used on a date too).
• Ask if you can see their phone and then stick it into your pants and say:  "I'm not giving it back until I'm satisfied!"
• Rip the phone out of their hands and yell, "You're smothering it!"
• Mimic them until they stop.  Adding exaggerated commentary helps: "I'm Mike.  I'm sooo busy and smart and professional that I don't have common decency or an adequately sized penis.."  Something along those lines.  

In a professional/work situations, I think phones don't really belong in meetings at all.  Assistants and coworkers can come and get you in pressing situations, otherwise, a good worker should have most everything squared away before entering into a meeting.  

I'm sure there are more subtle ways of improving the phonetiquette of others, but sometimes these suggestions may be necessary.  It's important to remember to actually engage people and laugh out loud with them rather than typing "lol" to them. 

*Sorry to my readers in 3rd world countries.  At least you have the internet, otherwise you wouldn't be able to read this would you?