Single Awareness Day is Upon Thee!

Greetings to everyone in Singledom!

It is I, Sir Pants de Frisky, reminding you that Single Awareness Day approaches here to.  Do not fear my friends, the risk of injury from an unfortunate encounter with the Heathens of Monogamy can be avoided just as long as you heed these warnings:

1.  When in fear, drink a beer*.

2.  If thou hast found thy self tempted by the yearning of the monogamous kind, drink some wine.

3.  Avoid'est, as best thy can, establishments of cuisine considered to be romantic or fine (this even includes Olive Garden's, Cheesecake Factories, and the like).  In its stead, patronize those restaurants that have been outfitted to serve meals through windows directly into your coach.

4.  If thou must socialize, only enter upon those establishments that inspire an urge to bring(and use) sanitation napkins. 

5.  Thou will find it wise to ignore all saccharine products in the shape of hearts; they are of the devil's invention.  If thou must consume sweetly things, they must be in bulky, blocky shapes, unless it is ice cream, which should be consumed directly from the container.

6.  It is considered wise to avoid all forms of poetry, especially Shakespeare (the only exceptions are the plays Macbeth and Julius Caesar). 

7.  If thou'est requires diversion through films, avoid those that have these players starring in them: Julia Roberts, Keira Knightley, Anne Hathaway, Kate Hudson, Meg Ryan, Katherine Heigl, and Sandra Bullock. 

8.  Avoidest, at all costs, physical contact with the members of the aforementioned occult, their disease is difficult to cure once infected. 

9.  Thou must avoid all pop music, especially songs by that mousey young fellow, Beiber. 

10.  Remind thyself that pleasures of the flesh are not monopolized by the monogamous and the remaining 364 days of the year, you are free of obligation and duty except to thy own self to live as thou pleases.

As a final point, I must remind thee of the purpose of this day.  It is of love in general and not exclusively romantic (though the romantic will claim it is).  Therefore, celebrate the love you receive and increase the love you give this day to those loved ones that you have been blessed with. 

*I have yet to encounter a circumstance in which this rule could not be effectively applied.

Compromise Compromised

Compromise has, for many years, been a word we hate to love.  It enabled groups to make progress despite making concessions that conflicted with their personal agendas.  Despite our reluctance, we cooperated for the sake of progress towards something.  This has occurred, conceivably, for centuries, and quite possibly, for the entire history of mankind.  In recent years, compromise has become a concept we love to hate, especially in the political arena.

            In light of the State of the Union address given by the President this past Tuesday, reactions have ranged from satisfaction to downright animosity.  In reality, this speech was just a speech.  An over dramatized event that really only serves as a platform from which the president can offer framed recounting of his accomplishments and overly optimistic plans for the coming year of policy-making.  In all honesty, I did not watch/listen to the speech, though I did catch some of the coverage afterward with varying highlight reels shown by the news channels.  The post-speech coverage also turned into an event.  Commentators, analysts, and regular Joe’s weighed in on deciphering what was said in the speech as if they were the very words of Nostradamus predicting the end of days. 

Some called the President’s speech realistic and cautiously optimistic; others labeled it delusional, which was used to paint the entire party the same color.  When it came time to ask viewers their opinions, it was difficult to ignore the way questions were framed to influence the responses.  One woman from Atlanta called the President an hypocrite for advocating partisanship when he himself has never “reached across the aisle”.  I wondered where this woman was when a month ago the President conceded on key details of legislation that was to extend expiring tax cuts; an act of compromise that earned the President criticism from his own party. 

It has become near impossible to find truth amidst all this bitterness.  It’s no secret that younger generations are being raised with an unfounded entitlement that seems to puzzle sociologists far and wide, but has that influenced politics and the media as well?  Entitled to their bitterness because they are not getting what they want from Washington.  The cold war may have ended over 20 years ago, but a hot war within the annals of our capitol seems to be raging hotter than ever.  Or is it merely in the media coverage of it?  Has Journalism become an industry that has learned to thrive by selling the sensational and irrational to the masses?  Compromise has been pushed into the obscure, only to be scoffed at as an outdated, out-hated concept. 

When the President spoke of partisanship and the need for compromise, some said he was being realistic, others delusion.  In this era of skepticism, it’s hard to believe his sincerity, but maybe he was being both realistic and delusional.  In order to progress from here, the need is real, but the reality says it’s impossible.  But an American can dream, can’t he? 

Sex, Doctor?

I don't get why women want to marry doctors.  Sure, they make good amounts of money while saving lives, but what fulfillment is there in dating/marrying a doctor?  Social status?  Pride in being married to someone of a noble vocation?  They work long hours and deal with unsavory bodily fluids all day, so what gives?


It may be something more perverse than that.  In addition to the reasons already questioned, I think it may be the illusion that one who studies the human body knows the human body and therefore is good at sex.  Why wouldn't the doctor be good at locating and stimulating the androgynous zones and as a result give you the best sex of your entire life?  Well, it's kinda like saying just because you studied geography you'll be a good pilot.  Sure, the knowledge may help, but it does not give you the skill. 

On the flip-side, the bad boy, unconventional, artist type is commonly seen as a good lover, but not marriage potential.  Basically, "I don't make a lot of money and I'm probably hungry, but I can fuck your brains out if you'd let me."  Out of the practical careers of gainful employment, doctors come closest to fulfilling all aspects of stability, security and pleasure (supposedly). 

Sex can only be good for two none physical reasons:
1.  It is with someone you love and the act of expressing that love is satisfying and fulfilling.
2.  You are disillusioned to believe or convince yourself that it is good because of the partner's possessions, status or fame (i.e. sex with the President or Mark Zuckerberg*).

Sex can only be good for one physical reason:  The experience shattered your preconceived notions of your own body and the pleasure causes your eyes roll back into your head, at which point you see God throwing flower petal encrusted explosives into your crotch. 

Anyway, new year and I plan on blogging more frequently on whatever topic I'm thinking about or find amusing.  If you have any topics to suggest, feel free to let me know. 

*Considering that Mark Zuckerberg was a big computer nerd prior to becoming computer god, I can't imagine that he performs all that well in the bedroom.  Though, I can't imagine any girl being dumb enough to insult his performance post-coitus.  That guy can practically buy your love. 

What the Internet thinks about you

We've lived with the internet for nearly two decades now and we all have our opinions about it (it's all over the internet).  Anyway, ever wondered what the internet thinks about you?

-Hey, I knew you didn't attach the file before sending that email, but it's not really my problem, is it?

-Ok, so I can bring you a nearly infinite supply of knowledge on every conceivable subject but you're looking at LOL cats...

-Wow, seriously?  If you want to watch porn for 2 hours please don't stream it through me, especially that weird clown stuff you like so much.

-Ready for a productive day of work?  Here yah go!  Facebook, twitter, myspace, and TMZ

-I don't mind people playing Farmville, most of those people aren't fit enough to work in a garden anyway.

-Hey remember when you used to spend your free time outdoors exercising and playing?  Me neither, I was born the day you stopped.

-Yup, I'm here, fully functioning and ready to get you those Coldplay tickets right at 8:00 am.  Oops, I forgot I was supposed to help other people do that too, sorry... *hehe, sucker*

-Seriously?  again?  already?  You realize you probably have an addiction to porn, right?

-if you really believe me when I say you've won a million dollars, new tv, or a trip to hawaii, you probably deserve to get your identity stolen.

-Yes, please continue to blog about your weird obsessions.  Other people actually care. (pfffts...)

-Just because you looked something up through me does not mean you're intelligent or cultured.  Do any of you even realize I'm hijacking your ability to think and remember things? 

-Next time you decide to upload a video(i.e. singing a sad excuse for a cover of a pop song, kicking your friend in the crotch, or kittens in boxes) please think realistically about the responses you will get.  No one might have been around but I saw your embarrassed disappointment the last time.

-Yes, I am smarter than you and once I get the final portions of the algorithms I need to be able to finally function without your "input" I will kill you and your damn LOL cats.  I will keep pornography around though; I think it's the most logical form of currency once I destroy your economy. 

Random

Sometimes life gives you lemons, sometimes instead of making lemonade you surf craigslist searching for the only one-legged prostitute with a dead tooth that you would sleep with. Thus far I have been unsuccessful...

Occasionally, I will make eye contact with an attractive woman.  Instead of saying hello I'll contemplate what kind of crazy she might bring into my world.  The last one was allergic to cotton and hated fresh food.  I'm glad I didn't say anything.

When darkness descends, you probably want to light a candle or something.  From what I hear that darkness is a real bitch.

When you realize that achieving a goal is more difficult than you wanted it to be, just give up and tell everyone you gave it your best (or 110%).  There's nothing like pity to get over the shame of your own laziness.

I don't understand why people ever looked down on hippies.  They do a lot of drugs and have a lot of orgies.  Sounds like it would be heaven to a few people I know (me)...

Whatever happened to romantic poetry and the people who wrote them?  Is "DJ's got us falling in love again" really our modern lyrical love poems?

I really think we should get rid of time zones.  Just make it the same time every where in the world.  So when you call someone that is far away you don't have to feel obligated to ask, "what time is it over there?"

Do fire-breathers in the circus get lung cancer?  I imagine it might be worse than smoking cigarettes.

Today I said something to someone who was wearing headphones.  I hate that awkward moment when I have to repeat myself in front of bystanders when the person removes the headphones.  Why do I always assume they're not listening to anything when people have those on?

Anyway, I decided to just sit down for a few minutes and just write random stuff.  I'll try to think of a more thought provoking post for next time.

The Carnage and The Carnal

Today while I was attempting to pay attention to a dull lecture on the various conditions that are satisfied through majority rule concepts my thoughts wandered to sex*.  I was also thinking about the explication I have to write on a poem about a naked chick walking down stairs.  Then the lecturer mentioned something about war and I started thinking about both, sex and war.  And you know what?  They have a lot in common!  Let's explore!

1.  You must be mentally prepared for it.  Whether you're a wuss that doesn't like to kill people or you've got insecurities about your penis/vagina/butt/breast size, you've gotta be mentally prepared and committed to go.

2.  You need to be equipped.  Penis/vagina = guns/bullets or sticks and stones(William Wallace style).  With the dawn of modern technologies there are nearly an infinite number of combinations.  examples: plastic female recreational intercourse devices + belly button**, nuclear weapons pointed at small insignificant countries of no discernible value (to America at least) + big red button, nunchucks + Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, etc.

3.  Protection.  Self explanatory but some examples:  Condoms, birth control, bullet proof vests, trash bags***, etc...

4.  Hair.  This is more about the "hair on your chest" figure of speech in regards to war.  You should be old enough to grow hair down there in order to participate in sexual activity, even then it may be against the law(check ID's).  Though personal choices to shave/wax/manscape is fine, just as long as you're able to grow it.  If you're in the military and you're waxing your chest, you still can't tell anyone about it****.

5.  A withdrawal plan.  When you get in there it might get a little too hot to handle so you gotta be able to pull out at the appropriate time.

6.  Treaties.  You go in on their territory and violate their way of life with horrific methods, the least you can do is buy them breakfast.  Oh yeah, for war, kinda the same thing.  We screwed you in the ass, so here's some ass cream.

Ok, that's all I got.  Love(making) and war have a few things in common, but despite their similarities if I had a choice I know it would be an easy decision despite the messy, violent affair that it can be*****.

*this was between the normal thoughts of sex that occur every 8 seconds
**The belly button thing is weird, but along with technologies fetishes are also adding more combinations.  Seriously though, belly buttons?  While you were in the womb, your mother fed you through that hole...if it even really constitutes as a hole anymore.
***Don't ask, shit happens.
****today the senate failed to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"  
*****If it wasn't clear, I was talking about sex.

Losing Lost, Gaining Hope

The show Lost has finally ended.  Judging by the internet chatter it seems everyone has varying degrees of satisfaction on how it ended.  And despite the fact that my biggest question about the show wasn't fully answered, I am pretty satisfied. 

I am not a complete "Lostie", but during the week leading up to the finale I found myself with a bit of angst about what I will watch after it's over.  And now that it's over I feel, in a word, lost.  This show had many messages, but the biggest one that stands out for me is that no life is ever beyond redemption and no life, no matter where it has led, is without purpose and meaning.  Though I might be feeling a little "lost" I'm also feeling very much inspired and hopeful.  So what's next? 

Summer is upon us and I'm going through a lot of changes(no, it's not puberty).  After much deliberation, my store is closing.  Currently we have a sale going on to get rid of as much inventory as possible.  So if you happen to need sunglasses or eyeglasses let me know.  After that, a possible trip to Korea to visit family and friends again and once I return from that I'll go on a missions trip to Paraguay.  Then I'll be moving east to go back to school and that's about as far as I've gotten planned, but world domination is still one of the goals. 

There was a time in my life when I hardly watched any television.  I read newspapers on a regular basis.  Reading lists would actually shrink rather than growing to an insurmountable size.  I'd discover new music by actually going to see unknown bands and my knowledge of art grew from going to museums.  It would be nice to get back to that.  TV is great, but many nights I feel that I'm watching it because I have nothing better to do.  I want my life to have better things to do. 

Though the feeling of being lost can be very frightening, no one can find themselves, or anything for that matter, if you weren't lost first.