Job Wanted

I should be scouring the internet for jobs while putting together my resume, but I decided, for the time being, to blog about it instead. 

So I spent about 5 years doing something I didn't particularly like. And after 5 years of it, the thought of going back to that job makes me nauseous.  Seriously, a little stomach acid gurgles into my mouth.  Anyway, now I have the freedom to go after whatever job I want, but that's only half of it, isn't it?  They have to actually want to hire me.  I've been thinking about how I can do that and here are some ideas I came up with to put into my resume. 

Objective, is a section that I heard is a little outdated, but I think I could make it interesting and compelling.  I was thinking of putting "To reach mind-blowing levels of AWESOMENESS".  Though it may not work because I'm not sure if "awesomeness" is a correct word.  Having been an English major, that might work against me. 

The other statement I thought about putting there is: "To give 101.618% in every fucking thing, particularly this job."  First, I used the F-word, so they'll think I'm intense and aggressive, a real game changer and they'll want to hire me.  Second, I'll have to explain it in interview dialogue.

Interviewer:  "So, I see here that you give 101.618%"

Me:  "Fuck yeah...I do."

Interviewer:  "Why is it 1.618%?"

Me:  "It's the golden number, it's magic.  So I bring 100% AND magic.  If you don't hire me I'll hex you and eat your babies."

The interviewer then hires me on the spot not just because he's scared of my hex and his babies getting eaten, but he doesn't want a guy like me working for his competition.  I bring the mother-effin' magic, bitch!

Skills section ideas:

-Possesses over 100 water-cooler icebreakers.

-Can spell "possesses" properly.

-Fluent in 7 languages.  2 are alien, 1 is alien sign language, 1 is imaginary, 1 is an imaginary alien sign language, Korean and English. 

-Bakes*

-Is generous with baked goods**

-Is circumcised so I am religiously flexible.

-Prefers to watch pornography in the privacy of own home.***

-Willing to submit to drug-testing, but really you should be testing the drugs for Michael use. 

-It only takes one of me to change a light bulb.

-The other person in the waiting room told me they like to steal stuff from work.

-Is not a tattle-tale

-Your secretary was playing Angry Birds the entire time I was out there.

-Plays golf well enough so as not to make you regret inviting me to play and not well enough to hurt your pride.

-Almost never really quite seriously to a detrimental degree procrastinates.****

Well, that's all I got so far.  Let me know if some of them shouldn't be on my resume or have better suggestions. 

*I don't really bake, but I'm willing to take it up

**I'm probably gonna have to bring stuff to the interview to make this one convincing

***I'm sure bosses really appreciate this one.

****It's gonna be hard to make that one convincing if I get hired...

Thoughts from a procrastinating mind

Well, Osama Bin Laden is dead.  Though I do have a suspicion that he was captured alive so he could be interrogated secretly.

Bin Laden was the symbol of America's War on Terror and now that he's dead, who will take his place?  I nominate Dick Cheney to be the new face of the War on Terror.  His mug scares the shit out of me.  What I'm getting at is how does this affect the conception of our war against terror?  OBL kinda was the yin to our yang.  Good against Evil.  Batman versus Joker, etc.  It begs the question, was killing him really the most effective way of resolving the difference between America and Bin Laden's extremism?  I'm sure the news analysts will be talking about these things for months on end. 

Well, we all know this war against terrorism was going to be a long war, possibly unending.  And just because OBL is dead it does not mean it's the end.  When it started, I didn't know what to be more frightened of, the terrorism or that the U.S. was beginning a war that might never end.  Bravo to our troops, intelligence operatives and the President for this accomplishment.

I haven't really read much of the details of what happened.  All I know is that some bad-ass American soldiers flew in on helicopters and brought the pain.  Cool stuff.

Hollywood, you guys got a movie in the works yet?  Some suggestions:  Michael Bay, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Dwayne Johnson(The Rock), a whole lotta explosives, some exotic cars and hot chicks (I realize that the last two might not fit into the storyline, but I have faith in Michael Bay).

President Obama, Bush Sr. lost reelection even after winning Desert Storm, so you better keep on truckin'.

Did anyone watch the speech Seth Meyers gave at the White House Correspondents Dinner?  Was he just not that funny or was Donald Trump just killing the buzz in that room?  I don't think he even smirked once. 

The more I think about it the more it seems true.  Poetry is masturbation with a pen.  

A Shotgun Blog

I am currently employing every fiber of my energy and will to make sure I do not complete any work tonight.  So much so that I am actually doing the thing that I should be doing (except that it's on a blog, rather than a word processor).

Isn't it amusing that we just say "word" now instead of "word processor"?
You're right, that was probably the worst sentence ever that started with, "Isn't it amusing..."
Anyway, Microsoft pretty much pimp-slapped "processor" out of that phrase.

Some day they have to do a movie about the Emanuel brothers.  The problem is that the only people I see playing Ari and Rahm are Jeremy Piven and Samuel L. Jackson.  The script would have to be written by Aaron Sorkin...while on a cocaine bender. 

Do you remember when the question "How about that that stuff going on in the Middle East?" was a simple, innocuous conversation starter?  Then 9/11 happened and the U.S. got involved and everyone had an actual opinion about it.  And I don't mean to offend anyone by asking this, but, in light of recent violence in the region, can we just include North Africa when we ask, "How about that stuff going on in the Middle East?"  I'm great with directions, but incredibly dumb with geography.  I JUST found out where Libya is... I think it's like a 15 minute drive from Iran, right?...jk   

I love Pistachios, it is probably my favorite nut and ice cream flavor.  I like that the nuts come with a shell half open.  Kinda like steamed mussels.  So, pistachios are like the mussels of the... whatever it is they grow on.

I'm feeling very ignorant today, which may explain my helpless state of procrastination.  I fear anything I attempt to write that is smart or coherent will just end up being, "I like soup, soup digest good in belly."

Single Awareness Day is Upon Thee!

Greetings to everyone in Singledom!

It is I, Sir Pants de Frisky, reminding you that Single Awareness Day approaches here to.  Do not fear my friends, the risk of injury from an unfortunate encounter with the Heathens of Monogamy can be avoided just as long as you heed these warnings:

1.  When in fear, drink a beer*.

2.  If thou hast found thy self tempted by the yearning of the monogamous kind, drink some wine.

3.  Avoid'est, as best thy can, establishments of cuisine considered to be romantic or fine (this even includes Olive Garden's, Cheesecake Factories, and the like).  In its stead, patronize those restaurants that have been outfitted to serve meals through windows directly into your coach.

4.  If thou must socialize, only enter upon those establishments that inspire an urge to bring(and use) sanitation napkins. 

5.  Thou will find it wise to ignore all saccharine products in the shape of hearts; they are of the devil's invention.  If thou must consume sweetly things, they must be in bulky, blocky shapes, unless it is ice cream, which should be consumed directly from the container.

6.  It is considered wise to avoid all forms of poetry, especially Shakespeare (the only exceptions are the plays Macbeth and Julius Caesar). 

7.  If thou'est requires diversion through films, avoid those that have these players starring in them: Julia Roberts, Keira Knightley, Anne Hathaway, Kate Hudson, Meg Ryan, Katherine Heigl, and Sandra Bullock. 

8.  Avoidest, at all costs, physical contact with the members of the aforementioned occult, their disease is difficult to cure once infected. 

9.  Thou must avoid all pop music, especially songs by that mousey young fellow, Beiber. 

10.  Remind thyself that pleasures of the flesh are not monopolized by the monogamous and the remaining 364 days of the year, you are free of obligation and duty except to thy own self to live as thou pleases.

As a final point, I must remind thee of the purpose of this day.  It is of love in general and not exclusively romantic (though the romantic will claim it is).  Therefore, celebrate the love you receive and increase the love you give this day to those loved ones that you have been blessed with. 

*I have yet to encounter a circumstance in which this rule could not be effectively applied.

Compromise Compromised

Compromise has, for many years, been a word we hate to love.  It enabled groups to make progress despite making concessions that conflicted with their personal agendas.  Despite our reluctance, we cooperated for the sake of progress towards something.  This has occurred, conceivably, for centuries, and quite possibly, for the entire history of mankind.  In recent years, compromise has become a concept we love to hate, especially in the political arena.

            In light of the State of the Union address given by the President this past Tuesday, reactions have ranged from satisfaction to downright animosity.  In reality, this speech was just a speech.  An over dramatized event that really only serves as a platform from which the president can offer framed recounting of his accomplishments and overly optimistic plans for the coming year of policy-making.  In all honesty, I did not watch/listen to the speech, though I did catch some of the coverage afterward with varying highlight reels shown by the news channels.  The post-speech coverage also turned into an event.  Commentators, analysts, and regular Joe’s weighed in on deciphering what was said in the speech as if they were the very words of Nostradamus predicting the end of days. 

Some called the President’s speech realistic and cautiously optimistic; others labeled it delusional, which was used to paint the entire party the same color.  When it came time to ask viewers their opinions, it was difficult to ignore the way questions were framed to influence the responses.  One woman from Atlanta called the President an hypocrite for advocating partisanship when he himself has never “reached across the aisle”.  I wondered where this woman was when a month ago the President conceded on key details of legislation that was to extend expiring tax cuts; an act of compromise that earned the President criticism from his own party. 

It has become near impossible to find truth amidst all this bitterness.  It’s no secret that younger generations are being raised with an unfounded entitlement that seems to puzzle sociologists far and wide, but has that influenced politics and the media as well?  Entitled to their bitterness because they are not getting what they want from Washington.  The cold war may have ended over 20 years ago, but a hot war within the annals of our capitol seems to be raging hotter than ever.  Or is it merely in the media coverage of it?  Has Journalism become an industry that has learned to thrive by selling the sensational and irrational to the masses?  Compromise has been pushed into the obscure, only to be scoffed at as an outdated, out-hated concept. 

When the President spoke of partisanship and the need for compromise, some said he was being realistic, others delusion.  In this era of skepticism, it’s hard to believe his sincerity, but maybe he was being both realistic and delusional.  In order to progress from here, the need is real, but the reality says it’s impossible.  But an American can dream, can’t he? 

Sex, Doctor?

I don't get why women want to marry doctors.  Sure, they make good amounts of money while saving lives, but what fulfillment is there in dating/marrying a doctor?  Social status?  Pride in being married to someone of a noble vocation?  They work long hours and deal with unsavory bodily fluids all day, so what gives?


It may be something more perverse than that.  In addition to the reasons already questioned, I think it may be the illusion that one who studies the human body knows the human body and therefore is good at sex.  Why wouldn't the doctor be good at locating and stimulating the androgynous zones and as a result give you the best sex of your entire life?  Well, it's kinda like saying just because you studied geography you'll be a good pilot.  Sure, the knowledge may help, but it does not give you the skill. 

On the flip-side, the bad boy, unconventional, artist type is commonly seen as a good lover, but not marriage potential.  Basically, "I don't make a lot of money and I'm probably hungry, but I can fuck your brains out if you'd let me."  Out of the practical careers of gainful employment, doctors come closest to fulfilling all aspects of stability, security and pleasure (supposedly). 

Sex can only be good for two none physical reasons:
1.  It is with someone you love and the act of expressing that love is satisfying and fulfilling.
2.  You are disillusioned to believe or convince yourself that it is good because of the partner's possessions, status or fame (i.e. sex with the President or Mark Zuckerberg*).

Sex can only be good for one physical reason:  The experience shattered your preconceived notions of your own body and the pleasure causes your eyes roll back into your head, at which point you see God throwing flower petal encrusted explosives into your crotch. 

Anyway, new year and I plan on blogging more frequently on whatever topic I'm thinking about or find amusing.  If you have any topics to suggest, feel free to let me know. 

*Considering that Mark Zuckerberg was a big computer nerd prior to becoming computer god, I can't imagine that he performs all that well in the bedroom.  Though, I can't imagine any girl being dumb enough to insult his performance post-coitus.  That guy can practically buy your love. 

What the Internet thinks about you

We've lived with the internet for nearly two decades now and we all have our opinions about it (it's all over the internet).  Anyway, ever wondered what the internet thinks about you?

-Hey, I knew you didn't attach the file before sending that email, but it's not really my problem, is it?

-Ok, so I can bring you a nearly infinite supply of knowledge on every conceivable subject but you're looking at LOL cats...

-Wow, seriously?  If you want to watch porn for 2 hours please don't stream it through me, especially that weird clown stuff you like so much.

-Ready for a productive day of work?  Here yah go!  Facebook, twitter, myspace, and TMZ

-I don't mind people playing Farmville, most of those people aren't fit enough to work in a garden anyway.

-Hey remember when you used to spend your free time outdoors exercising and playing?  Me neither, I was born the day you stopped.

-Yup, I'm here, fully functioning and ready to get you those Coldplay tickets right at 8:00 am.  Oops, I forgot I was supposed to help other people do that too, sorry... *hehe, sucker*

-Seriously?  again?  already?  You realize you probably have an addiction to porn, right?

-if you really believe me when I say you've won a million dollars, new tv, or a trip to hawaii, you probably deserve to get your identity stolen.

-Yes, please continue to blog about your weird obsessions.  Other people actually care. (pfffts...)

-Just because you looked something up through me does not mean you're intelligent or cultured.  Do any of you even realize I'm hijacking your ability to think and remember things? 

-Next time you decide to upload a video(i.e. singing a sad excuse for a cover of a pop song, kicking your friend in the crotch, or kittens in boxes) please think realistically about the responses you will get.  No one might have been around but I saw your embarrassed disappointment the last time.

-Yes, I am smarter than you and once I get the final portions of the algorithms I need to be able to finally function without your "input" I will kill you and your damn LOL cats.  I will keep pornography around though; I think it's the most logical form of currency once I destroy your economy.