Charred Animal carcuss = Independence day

Why is BBQ so synonymous with the 4th of July? Sure, it's "grilling season" but why not water parks? Or capri pants? maybe it is...

Anyway, I was thinking about that in my late night drunken stupor and felt inspired to blog.

Here's how I envision the first Independence day BBQ:

It's July 4th, 1776. Another typically sweltering summer afternoon in Philadelphia. Just outside Independence Hall our nation's first BBQ is taking place. Amongst the attendees of this soiree(pardon the French) are our forefathers.

John Hancock is overseeing the grilling of meats on the "Bar-B-Que". Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson approach.

Benjamin: Hancock! How's the food coming along?

Startled, Hancock burns himself on the grill.

Hancock: Damnit! I'm having a hard enough time as it is flipping these pieces of meat.
Ben: Just don't poke at it too much. You'll lose the juices.
Thomas: You know, you might have better luck using something other than pens.
Hancock: No man, pens are the future. It's revolutionary!

Ben and Thomas roll their eyes at each other.

Thomas: I think we've been throwing that word around too much.
Ben: So, what are we calling these pieces of meat again?
Thomas: Hamburgs.
Ben: Seriously? A German name?
Thomas: Look, I heard from someone that the Germans are working on some super fast, luxury carriages. I thought that if we named it after one of their cities, we could get a discount.
Ben: I find it ironic that we named something in honor of them and we're burning it.
Hancock: Oh shit! I forgot about the burgers!
Thomas: ham-burgs. ham-burgs. I don't want to lose my discount on a Mercedes Carriage.

Hancock burns himself once again trying to flip burgers with pens. Ben and Thomas enjoy a laugh watching him do so.

Hancock: This is such tedious work. Why are we calling this a Bar-B-Que again?
Ben: It's short for "Barred Be the Queen." Cuz, you know, she's the one that really runs that country. Might as well call their government a "Mom"arch.

They all laugh.
John Hancock looks over towards the picnic tables and sees Sam and John Adams.

Hancock: I can't believe John Adams brought is damn cousin again. And as usual he's trying to sell us on his damn mead. Him renaming it all the time is pretty annoying as it is, what's he calling it this time?
Ben: Independence Lager.

Thomas takes a sip of it from his cup.

Thomas: It's gotten much better since the Boston Tea Party Mead.
John Hancock: For sure. I'd rather kiss King George's ass than drink that again. Yuck!
Ben: He needs to come up with something that's more appropriate for summer time. Like a Summer ale of sorts.

Thomas Paine walks by with a woman on each arm. As he passes they hear him say: "you know, all of this was my idea..."
Thomas Jefferson gets upset and is about to lunge forward to attack him when Ben and John hold him back.

Thomas: oh, just let me at him. I hate that fucker. He hasn't even been here that long! He didn't have to deal with the 7 year's war, the 1st Continental congress, or the second! What a douche...

Hancock, puzzled. Asks...

Hancock: What is a douche?
Thomas: eh, it's a word I made up the other day. I'm hoping it sticks.
Ben: What does it mean?
Thomas: It means useless... useless other than one very unpleasant task.
Hancock: Which is...?
Thomas: Let's just say it has to clean very dark and confusing places.

They all turn towards a commotion near the beverages. It seems a few of the men decided to hold John Penn upside down over the barrel of "Independence Lager" so that he can drink it from that position. (Note: it is argued that this is America's first Keg-Stand)

Hancock: That Penn, he's got some issues...

Just then two thin, pale children approach the group.

Thomas: Hey! Look who it is! It's Meriwether Lewis and William Clark! You know, you boys need to get out more. Your faces are as pale as my ass. Get outside and have some adventures!
Lewis and Clark: Yes Mr. Jefferson~.

They run off.

Hancock: oh! I think the burgers are done!
Thomas: HAM-burgs! HAM-burgs!
Ben: I want that one. That ones looks the best.
Hancock: Back off fatty! I'm the one that's been barred be queening. I get first pick!

And so, they all got along...sorta. The End.

Note: Most of this is historically inaccurate. Remember: I was drunk when I wrote this.