Season of Loneliness

So, its' been officially Autumn for a couple weeks now and this is a blog I meant to write a little sooner.

September is one of my favorite months. I don't know why. Maybe it's the nostalgia having to do with the beginning of a new school year. It has nothing to do with my birthday falling on this month. What's strange is that although this is one of my favorite months it's also one in which I feel the loneliest. It could be a feeling of loss. A loss of a summer, one without a memorable summer fling. A wasted summer maybe. Does anyone else feel the same?

The air changes this month and I feel so blissfully lonely and happy about it at the same time. Maybe it's the warm and glowing bodies from the summer sun. The air suddenly gets dry but heavy in your chest. There's an odor too, it smells as though the earth has matured. Everyday the sun settles sooner and leans southerly. The days are still temperate but the night brings a gentle chill. A warning for the frigid cold in the coming months. Then the winds start and so do the fires in this part of the country. The wind filters through the trees and the rustle is different. Not a playful chatter like in the summer, but more like an exasperated sigh. Those Santa Ana Winds, they sweep across the land and it feels like a baptism. A cleansing, a wiping of the slate. A reminder that the end of the year is quickly approaching and there is no time to waste.

You might be wondering how much more lonely I get during the holidays, but I don't, well not much really. I've associated those holidays with friends and family. And they're always there, keeping me busy. Valentine's day? When I'm single I see it as an opportunity to hang out with my single friends and not be bothered by the couples. I'm not self-loathing right now if that's what you're thinking. Just sharing my feelings about this season.

If a year was a story beginning in January, right now we should be in rising action, approaching the climax. Where are you right now in your year? What actions are to be made? Do you see the final conflict, goal, or obstacle ahead? Of course life doesn't fit into our man-made paradigms. I don't see any of it now for me and I've been doing a lot of thinking. My favorite part is the denouement(between Christmas and New Year's). It's always a thankful time. A thoughtful time, coming to conclusions and accepting the changes that occurred.

Well, one final thought. I was listening to Gravity by Sara Bareilles again. That is one seriously sad and tormented song. If I was a girl feeling lonely, longing for someone and I heard that song, I think I'd bawl my eyes out. I could not understand why so many women I know love that song so much. And then a few days later my friends and I were talking about "old school" R&B songs(All-4-one, boyz-2-men, New Edition, etc) and someone mentioned IV Xample's song I'd rather be alone. I remember listening to that song in my teenage years, driving in the rain, feeling sad and lonely. No one had even cheated on me, which is what the song is about, but I felt connected and loved that song. I'm not sure if I was even "in love" with anyone at the time. So, I came to wonder if loneliness is actually a positive emotion. Do we like feeling lonely? And do we complain about the feeling because that's just the way you behave when feeling it? Or does the loneliness actually feel bad but indicates the good will feel good when it comes? And has it occurred to anyone that loneliness is one of the most self-centered emotions? It's the feeling you get when you don't have a person that loves and adores you. Then again, it's one of the emotions that indicates that we're human and longing for something good. Ok, I think that was more than one thought. Anyway, the song Gravity makes me want to kill myself....in a good way.