What the Internet thinks about you

We've lived with the internet for nearly two decades now and we all have our opinions about it (it's all over the internet).  Anyway, ever wondered what the internet thinks about you?

-Hey, I knew you didn't attach the file before sending that email, but it's not really my problem, is it?

-Ok, so I can bring you a nearly infinite supply of knowledge on every conceivable subject but you're looking at LOL cats...

-Wow, seriously?  If you want to watch porn for 2 hours please don't stream it through me, especially that weird clown stuff you like so much.

-Ready for a productive day of work?  Here yah go!  Facebook, twitter, myspace, and TMZ

-I don't mind people playing Farmville, most of those people aren't fit enough to work in a garden anyway.

-Hey remember when you used to spend your free time outdoors exercising and playing?  Me neither, I was born the day you stopped.

-Yup, I'm here, fully functioning and ready to get you those Coldplay tickets right at 8:00 am.  Oops, I forgot I was supposed to help other people do that too, sorry... *hehe, sucker*

-Seriously?  again?  already?  You realize you probably have an addiction to porn, right?

-if you really believe me when I say you've won a million dollars, new tv, or a trip to hawaii, you probably deserve to get your identity stolen.

-Yes, please continue to blog about your weird obsessions.  Other people actually care. (pfffts...)

-Just because you looked something up through me does not mean you're intelligent or cultured.  Do any of you even realize I'm hijacking your ability to think and remember things? 

-Next time you decide to upload a video(i.e. singing a sad excuse for a cover of a pop song, kicking your friend in the crotch, or kittens in boxes) please think realistically about the responses you will get.  No one might have been around but I saw your embarrassed disappointment the last time.

-Yes, I am smarter than you and once I get the final portions of the algorithms I need to be able to finally function without your "input" I will kill you and your damn LOL cats.  I will keep pornography around though; I think it's the most logical form of currency once I destroy your economy. 

Random

Sometimes life gives you lemons, sometimes instead of making lemonade you surf craigslist searching for the only one-legged prostitute with a dead tooth that you would sleep with. Thus far I have been unsuccessful...

Occasionally, I will make eye contact with an attractive woman.  Instead of saying hello I'll contemplate what kind of crazy she might bring into my world.  The last one was allergic to cotton and hated fresh food.  I'm glad I didn't say anything.

When darkness descends, you probably want to light a candle or something.  From what I hear that darkness is a real bitch.

When you realize that achieving a goal is more difficult than you wanted it to be, just give up and tell everyone you gave it your best (or 110%).  There's nothing like pity to get over the shame of your own laziness.

I don't understand why people ever looked down on hippies.  They do a lot of drugs and have a lot of orgies.  Sounds like it would be heaven to a few people I know (me)...

Whatever happened to romantic poetry and the people who wrote them?  Is "DJ's got us falling in love again" really our modern lyrical love poems?

I really think we should get rid of time zones.  Just make it the same time every where in the world.  So when you call someone that is far away you don't have to feel obligated to ask, "what time is it over there?"

Do fire-breathers in the circus get lung cancer?  I imagine it might be worse than smoking cigarettes.

Today I said something to someone who was wearing headphones.  I hate that awkward moment when I have to repeat myself in front of bystanders when the person removes the headphones.  Why do I always assume they're not listening to anything when people have those on?

Anyway, I decided to just sit down for a few minutes and just write random stuff.  I'll try to think of a more thought provoking post for next time.

The Carnage and The Carnal

Today while I was attempting to pay attention to a dull lecture on the various conditions that are satisfied through majority rule concepts my thoughts wandered to sex*.  I was also thinking about the explication I have to write on a poem about a naked chick walking down stairs.  Then the lecturer mentioned something about war and I started thinking about both, sex and war.  And you know what?  They have a lot in common!  Let's explore!

1.  You must be mentally prepared for it.  Whether you're a wuss that doesn't like to kill people or you've got insecurities about your penis/vagina/butt/breast size, you've gotta be mentally prepared and committed to go.

2.  You need to be equipped.  Penis/vagina = guns/bullets or sticks and stones(William Wallace style).  With the dawn of modern technologies there are nearly an infinite number of combinations.  examples: plastic female recreational intercourse devices + belly button**, nuclear weapons pointed at small insignificant countries of no discernible value (to America at least) + big red button, nunchucks + Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, etc.

3.  Protection.  Self explanatory but some examples:  Condoms, birth control, bullet proof vests, trash bags***, etc...

4.  Hair.  This is more about the "hair on your chest" figure of speech in regards to war.  You should be old enough to grow hair down there in order to participate in sexual activity, even then it may be against the law(check ID's).  Though personal choices to shave/wax/manscape is fine, just as long as you're able to grow it.  If you're in the military and you're waxing your chest, you still can't tell anyone about it****.

5.  A withdrawal plan.  When you get in there it might get a little too hot to handle so you gotta be able to pull out at the appropriate time.

6.  Treaties.  You go in on their territory and violate their way of life with horrific methods, the least you can do is buy them breakfast.  Oh yeah, for war, kinda the same thing.  We screwed you in the ass, so here's some ass cream.

Ok, that's all I got.  Love(making) and war have a few things in common, but despite their similarities if I had a choice I know it would be an easy decision despite the messy, violent affair that it can be*****.

*this was between the normal thoughts of sex that occur every 8 seconds
**The belly button thing is weird, but along with technologies fetishes are also adding more combinations.  Seriously though, belly buttons?  While you were in the womb, your mother fed you through that hole...if it even really constitutes as a hole anymore.
***Don't ask, shit happens.
****today the senate failed to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"  
*****If it wasn't clear, I was talking about sex.

Losing Lost, Gaining Hope

The show Lost has finally ended.  Judging by the internet chatter it seems everyone has varying degrees of satisfaction on how it ended.  And despite the fact that my biggest question about the show wasn't fully answered, I am pretty satisfied. 

I am not a complete "Lostie", but during the week leading up to the finale I found myself with a bit of angst about what I will watch after it's over.  And now that it's over I feel, in a word, lost.  This show had many messages, but the biggest one that stands out for me is that no life is ever beyond redemption and no life, no matter where it has led, is without purpose and meaning.  Though I might be feeling a little "lost" I'm also feeling very much inspired and hopeful.  So what's next? 

Summer is upon us and I'm going through a lot of changes(no, it's not puberty).  After much deliberation, my store is closing.  Currently we have a sale going on to get rid of as much inventory as possible.  So if you happen to need sunglasses or eyeglasses let me know.  After that, a possible trip to Korea to visit family and friends again and once I return from that I'll go on a missions trip to Paraguay.  Then I'll be moving east to go back to school and that's about as far as I've gotten planned, but world domination is still one of the goals. 

There was a time in my life when I hardly watched any television.  I read newspapers on a regular basis.  Reading lists would actually shrink rather than growing to an insurmountable size.  I'd discover new music by actually going to see unknown bands and my knowledge of art grew from going to museums.  It would be nice to get back to that.  TV is great, but many nights I feel that I'm watching it because I have nothing better to do.  I want my life to have better things to do. 

Though the feeling of being lost can be very frightening, no one can find themselves, or anything for that matter, if you weren't lost first. 

Tea Parties

When I hear the term "Tea Party" I usually think of two things.  An event that took place in Boston hundreds of years ago by American revolutionaries that was essentially a big "F*#k You" to the English monarchy and children, along with stuffed animals, wearing their grandparents' clothes emulating adult behavior. 

I find it depressing to think that some grandchildren of this generation might someday dig through a trunk of old things and put on an Ed Hardy shirt or Juicy Couture track suit and sit around drinking over caffeinated, sugar packed blended drinks and feel "adult".  I hope this possibility is as unlikely as I think it is.  Sure, there are classy tea rooms around.  It seems to be a trendy thing for women to spend afternoons together at such places.  My sister attended a get together not long ago for a friend's bridal event.  What bothers me is that some women go to a "classy" type of event wearing halter tops, booty shorts and sandals. 

I get it.  Fashion changes.  Traditions evolve.  But we will always pay taxes.   So on this tax day I'd like to encourage you not to look at the ungodly amount of money deducted from your paycheck but the environment that you live in, which is supported by the government that you support.  Sure, it's not without it's flaws.  Unemployment is stubbornly high, teachers are getting laid off left and right, and the state you reside in is probably going through a budget crisis...  nevermind...

So last year I recall receiving my tax return and pretty much taking it to vegas and burning it.  This year I shall not.  It's only 400 bucks, but I am going to put it into a savings account, because that is what adults do.  Am I an adult or a child in a vintage suit with sneakers(which is considered fashionable btw)? 

Totally Random: Golden Shower

So on my way to work today, for no justifiable reason, I was thinking about golden showers.  For those of you who do not know this very crude term UrbanDictionary.com defines it as: The act of urinating on another person, usually for sexual gratification, or as a way of humiliation.  Random blog topic, i know, but I haven't blogged in a while and this is the only thoughts I've had recently that may or may not be of note(probably not).

Anyway, I was thinking about why would anyone want to do this to someone or even have it done to them and find it enjoyable.  It's a fetish I suppose, but one that I find really shocking.  Can you imagine the first Golden Shower ever performed?  What was going through that person's mind before they decided to suggest this act to another person.  "Hey, uh, so we're close, you know?  Uh... and we get along really well and... uh, i was thinking that... uh, well, would you--i mean if you're cool with...hrm... uh, Can i pee on you?"  If I were the recipient of such a request I'd probably run away in horror and avoid that person at all costs.  Or at least stay out of "range".  I'd avoid dark alleys and taking shortcuts across a park at night not afraid of rape or muggings, but of this person who might ambush me with their pee.  Weird...

The most famous golden shower would have to be R. Kelly's.  I don't know much about what happened but that dude is kinda crazy.  Apparently that was enough to inspire Dave Chappelle to parody R. Kelly in this music video appropriately named "Pee on you."  Here's a link: http://www.videovat.com/videos/883/dave-chappelle-peeonyou.aspx 

Hilarious!

Anyway, I hope I haven't offended anyone that has a propensity for this type of thing.  With it being Lent and Easter just around the corner, I couldn't help but wonder if something like this is a sin.  The Bible rarely mentions urine at all and unless it's outside of marriage I'm not really sure if it's definitely "wrong".  

p.s. I promise to write a blog soon on a more appropriate topic.