Pardon the Expression...

..but real life kinda blows.  I've known this for quite some time, but it seems that with age you acquire deeper and more profound versions of this sentiment. 

Job (the current-please-dear-God-let-it-be-temporary one I've got): blows
Job searching:  blows
Living situation:  blows
Relationship status:  Single, which has been for quite sometime something I've enjoyed and still do to some degree.  But I think the risen urgency in my mother's comments about getting married, along with every other person I see who I haven't talked to in a while has driven me to think KOST 103.5 is a cult radio station and everyone is drinking relationship kool-aid.
 The other day I was working at my mother's office and her friend walks in with her daughter and a friend and her two daughters.  Immediately she gets to trying to hook me up with one of the three young women as if our holy Jesus Christ were about to pass judgment upon us if she didn't get me betrothed that very instant.  She then requests from me a piece of paper and pen and not-so-subtly forces one of the women to write her name and phone number down.  Oh and email too!  Korean mothers know about these now.  Anyway, I don't really plan on calling her because I don't feel compelled to chase every opportunity to have a relationship and I really don't feel all that bad about being single.  BUT, I guess I'm feeling a little bit more open to it.  The urgency surrounding me causes it to be a frustration at times.

Reality Bites.  I love this movie but it's come be associated, for me, to unhappy endings of various sorts because of a somewhat unhappy experience from several years ago that had involved this movie.  Maybe it was an omen.  Maybe I'm self-fulfilling prophecy because I liked that movie to begin with. 

There's still lots about life that's good too.  My golf game has made significant progress (Doug, when I come to Denver I'm gonna make you cry!)  I've done a good amount of reading this summer and not all of it was mindless crap :)  I'm planning some trips over the next couple months, which is something to look forward too.  Overall average isn't bad, actually slightly positive so...pardon the (negative) expression.

Point A to Point Billionaire

I'm sure at some point in your life you were having a conversation with someone about how if you could come up with that one idea, whether it's a website or invention, you could make millions and not have to worry about money again.  So far, I do not know anyone personally who has actually come up with an idea and made millions.  The reality is the idea really doesn't have to be all that great.  Just take a look at the Shake-Weight and Sham-wow.

So what makes the millions?  To get from wherever you are in life to that fantasy lifestyle of having millions in the bank seems simple enough, have an idea.  But really, the idea is point A, and there's a long line of points to get from point A to point Billionaire.  It takes smarts, ingenuity and commitment to follow through on something that will reward you with millions, possibly billions, of dollars.  

So, what does that say about me and most of the people I know who are all still a long ways away from +millionaire status?  For me, I can say that I'm lazy and I give up quickly or get distracted easily.  But deep down, I think this is what separates the haves and the have-nots:  They enjoy making money more than the idea of having it.  Most of my fantasies do not involve the countless hours of work it would take to acquire the money, I just think about what kind of ridiculous things I'd buy.  Most of the smart and accomplished millionaires/billionaires continue to work while leading surprisingly quiet and humble lives, at least in relation to their wealth (look at Mark Zuckerberg and Warren Buffett).  

I had dinner with a family friend a while back who came from a wealthy family but also worked very hard to acquire and increase his own wealth.  After some changes in his professional career he found himself without work, but still very wealthy and in no need of a job.  I told him it must be nice to just be able to play, relax and have the freedom of his wealth.  He said to me that there was no fun in spending money if he wasn't working for it.  Just having it wasn't satisfying.  

Anyway, I hope no one thinks I'm equating wealth or professional accomplishments with happiness.  It's not.  Money makes many things in life easier, but it doesn't necessarily make you happier.  It may bring you pleasure for a while, but that doesn't last.  Enjoying your work and finding meaning in it is very good too and if you make a bunch of money, great.  If you don't, it shouldn't make you any less happy.  

Making of a Super Baby

I've been thinking more and more about marriage and someday raising a family.  Not that I really need a relationship right now or suddenly have baby-fever or anything (I hope guys don't get that).  

Anyway, I get concerned about how I'm going to mess up my children when I have them.  I have a strange fear that I'm going to, while sleep walking, sell them on the black market (I'm gonna have to delete my black market #'s from my phone when I have kids).  I also have a desire to give my children strange names.  I want to name my son, Daughter.  So when I introduce him to friends I will say, "here is my son, Daughter."  And there will be an awkward moment where people aren't sure what gender the child is or if they might be a hermaphrodite, because they'll think I said "son-daughter" rather than my son named Daughter.  

Anyway again, I decided that it might be advantageous to see if an iphone can be installed into my wife's uterus.  They have all those child brain development videos now and you can just load it up on the iphone and get the kid an early start.  Also, instead of having the kid listening to Mozart, I'm gonna have them listen to foreign language audio books.  They'll be well-read and multi-lingual before the umbilical cord gets snipped.  

Also, I was gonna look into injecting the newborn with HGH (human growth hormone).  I want that baby up and running around as soon as possible.  The kid is gonna be the first to be scouted by colleges before getting to preschool.  Don't tell my wife.  I might delay it a week or two so we can get some videos and photos of the impotent baby.  Kinda like a before and after thing.

Also again, I'm thinking of developing a new pluralistic type of religion.  I was gonna tell the child that we had thought about aborting it due to health complications and what not, but decided to keep him/her and it was a miracle that he's there today.  He'll be religious, a virgin AND thankful.  Yeah, I'm trying to make another Tim Tebow.  

Anyway again again, does anyone else have any suggestions on how to make a baby super?  I mean realistic super, not radiation-leads-to-mutant-powers super.  

Welcome to the Post-Apocalyptic World!

Ok, this post might be a little high-brow, but I'll keep it short and try to throw in a dirty joke somewhere.  

So, the rapture happened.  Or some would say that it didn't.  Actually, everyone says that it didn't and the one who predicted it said he made a mistake...again.  It's now going to happen on Oct 21st.  Mark your calendars for more disappointment!

Well, I would like to make a couple arguments about why it did happen. 

1.  On May 21st at 6pm local time, everyone in this world had to deal with the consequences of the lives they had lived up until that point.  Boom!  Welcome to the post-apocalyptic world biatch!  Depending on your life choices, you are now living in a heaven, hell or purgatory of sorts.  It wasn't what you expected, right?  Well, who said it was going to be anything different?  This leads me to the second argument...

2.  The apocalypse happened on May 21st, but it also happened a bunch of times before and will happen again.  According to ancient Indian and Egyptian philosophy, the universe is unlimited on time, but limited in material (stuff that's in it).  Therefore eternal recurrence.  Simply put, the universe repeats itself and we live the same life over and over again because there isn't enough stuff to make it different (at least in any significant way).  So, out of the infinite number of times we've lived a life similar to this, a world may have ended on May 21st, just not this current iteration.

3.  According to God, the apocalypse happened.  It just hasn't happened to us yet.  God is the beginning and the end, His understanding of time and space is much more superior than to ours.  Our conception of linear time is an oversimplification to cope with our dilemmas in causality and morality.  May 21st may have been the end of the world, we just don't have access to God's calendar or the capacity to understand when that is according to our calendar.  

I realize these arguments are weak and essentially argues for a this-world based outlook.  What if we are already living in a type of heave/hell/purgatory?  What if moments of high-anxiety or stress is a moment in hell?  It is temporary, but not necessarily non-eternal, because we will face stress or anxiety again. Same with those happy moments. 

Anyway, this Harold Camping guy has a fixation on needing to know when the end will happen (I'd be interested in a Freudian or Lacanian psychoanalysis of this guy).  As a believer, is he feeling impotent about making the world better and only looks forward to knowing when he'll leave it?  Why does he need this release so bad?  This may be borderline heretical, but I promised a sex joke so I'm going to use a sex analogy.  Camping sees life on earth as a one night stand with an ugly person.  He has little to no intention of staying any longer than he has to.  He plots and analyzes to figure out when his exit is.  He thinks he's gonna bone a supermodel for the rest of his life if he can just get out of this fugly's apartment.  The better outlook is probably to just enjoy the time you have with a special person, it's a gift after all*. 

I believe that faith, no matter what it is in, is something that supports (the self, the community, environment, society, the world) and fills the faith-holder with hope and happiness, not this dread-spreading disdain for the rest of humanity and the world.  Friedrich Nietzsche used the idea of eternal recurrence to argue for a life and world loving outlook.  It's kinda like the movie Groundhog Day.  Bill Murray's character thought he was in hell until he learned to embrace it and found himself in a kind of heaven.  I think any "good" deity would want it that way.   

*I am not implying that sex is a commodity that can or should be gifted. 

Phonetiquette

I think at this point everyone has encountered or been the culprit of inappropriate cell phone usage in social situations*.  It still seems a bit unclear on what is the appropriate protocol for using your cell phone when in the presence of others, professional and casual.  

We've all said/heard/thought things like: 

• If talking to that person is so important, why aren't you with them instead?
• Do you seriously need to facebook status update that we're hanging out?  Does that make it real?  
• If you look at that phone one more time I'm never inviting you over for dinner ever again.
• Checking your phone to see IF you have an alert every 10 minutes does not make you interesting, it makes needy and boring.  

Well, you get the idea.  Mobile phones have become a necessary part of our personal and professional lives, but it's important to maintain our ability to interact in person. So, I've come up with a few things that may help curb the excessive lack of, what I call, Phonetiquette.

In a date situation, if the accompanying date has stated they are expecting an important phone call then a little forgiveness is permissible.  If phone-checking is chronic and consistent:

• Go to the bathroom every time they do.  
• Yawn
• If you're a girl and you're fairly sure he's gonna be paying for dinner, make a drinking game out of it and order a shot every time.
• Text them the date is over (this can be done on one of your many trips to the bathroom).
• If you're a girl, talk about sex and how it's been a while and then pretend to get a text and tell him that you have to go meet a "friend".  

In social/group situations:

• If someone is expecting a call and leaves the phone on the table, ask them if it's alright if you put your penis on the table, because you're expecting to have sex eventually (this could potentially be used on a date too).
• Ask if you can see their phone and then stick it into your pants and say:  "I'm not giving it back until I'm satisfied!"
• Rip the phone out of their hands and yell, "You're smothering it!"
• Mimic them until they stop.  Adding exaggerated commentary helps: "I'm Mike.  I'm sooo busy and smart and professional that I don't have common decency or an adequately sized penis.."  Something along those lines.  

In a professional/work situations, I think phones don't really belong in meetings at all.  Assistants and coworkers can come and get you in pressing situations, otherwise, a good worker should have most everything squared away before entering into a meeting.  

I'm sure there are more subtle ways of improving the phonetiquette of others, but sometimes these suggestions may be necessary.  It's important to remember to actually engage people and laugh out loud with them rather than typing "lol" to them. 

*Sorry to my readers in 3rd world countries.  At least you have the internet, otherwise you wouldn't be able to read this would you?

Job Wanted

I should be scouring the internet for jobs while putting together my resume, but I decided, for the time being, to blog about it instead. 

So I spent about 5 years doing something I didn't particularly like. And after 5 years of it, the thought of going back to that job makes me nauseous.  Seriously, a little stomach acid gurgles into my mouth.  Anyway, now I have the freedom to go after whatever job I want, but that's only half of it, isn't it?  They have to actually want to hire me.  I've been thinking about how I can do that and here are some ideas I came up with to put into my resume. 

Objective, is a section that I heard is a little outdated, but I think I could make it interesting and compelling.  I was thinking of putting "To reach mind-blowing levels of AWESOMENESS".  Though it may not work because I'm not sure if "awesomeness" is a correct word.  Having been an English major, that might work against me. 

The other statement I thought about putting there is: "To give 101.618% in every fucking thing, particularly this job."  First, I used the F-word, so they'll think I'm intense and aggressive, a real game changer and they'll want to hire me.  Second, I'll have to explain it in interview dialogue.

Interviewer:  "So, I see here that you give 101.618%"

Me:  "Fuck yeah...I do."

Interviewer:  "Why is it 1.618%?"

Me:  "It's the golden number, it's magic.  So I bring 100% AND magic.  If you don't hire me I'll hex you and eat your babies."

The interviewer then hires me on the spot not just because he's scared of my hex and his babies getting eaten, but he doesn't want a guy like me working for his competition.  I bring the mother-effin' magic, bitch!

Skills section ideas:

-Possesses over 100 water-cooler icebreakers.

-Can spell "possesses" properly.

-Fluent in 7 languages.  2 are alien, 1 is alien sign language, 1 is imaginary, 1 is an imaginary alien sign language, Korean and English. 

-Bakes*

-Is generous with baked goods**

-Is circumcised so I am religiously flexible.

-Prefers to watch pornography in the privacy of own home.***

-Willing to submit to drug-testing, but really you should be testing the drugs for Michael use. 

-It only takes one of me to change a light bulb.

-The other person in the waiting room told me they like to steal stuff from work.

-Is not a tattle-tale

-Your secretary was playing Angry Birds the entire time I was out there.

-Plays golf well enough so as not to make you regret inviting me to play and not well enough to hurt your pride.

-Almost never really quite seriously to a detrimental degree procrastinates.****

Well, that's all I got so far.  Let me know if some of them shouldn't be on my resume or have better suggestions. 

*I don't really bake, but I'm willing to take it up

**I'm probably gonna have to bring stuff to the interview to make this one convincing

***I'm sure bosses really appreciate this one.

****It's gonna be hard to make that one convincing if I get hired...

Thoughts from a procrastinating mind

Well, Osama Bin Laden is dead.  Though I do have a suspicion that he was captured alive so he could be interrogated secretly.

Bin Laden was the symbol of America's War on Terror and now that he's dead, who will take his place?  I nominate Dick Cheney to be the new face of the War on Terror.  His mug scares the shit out of me.  What I'm getting at is how does this affect the conception of our war against terror?  OBL kinda was the yin to our yang.  Good against Evil.  Batman versus Joker, etc.  It begs the question, was killing him really the most effective way of resolving the difference between America and Bin Laden's extremism?  I'm sure the news analysts will be talking about these things for months on end. 

Well, we all know this war against terrorism was going to be a long war, possibly unending.  And just because OBL is dead it does not mean it's the end.  When it started, I didn't know what to be more frightened of, the terrorism or that the U.S. was beginning a war that might never end.  Bravo to our troops, intelligence operatives and the President for this accomplishment.

I haven't really read much of the details of what happened.  All I know is that some bad-ass American soldiers flew in on helicopters and brought the pain.  Cool stuff.

Hollywood, you guys got a movie in the works yet?  Some suggestions:  Michael Bay, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Dwayne Johnson(The Rock), a whole lotta explosives, some exotic cars and hot chicks (I realize that the last two might not fit into the storyline, but I have faith in Michael Bay).

President Obama, Bush Sr. lost reelection even after winning Desert Storm, so you better keep on truckin'.

Did anyone watch the speech Seth Meyers gave at the White House Correspondents Dinner?  Was he just not that funny or was Donald Trump just killing the buzz in that room?  I don't think he even smirked once. 

The more I think about it the more it seems true.  Poetry is masturbation with a pen.  

A Shotgun Blog

I am currently employing every fiber of my energy and will to make sure I do not complete any work tonight.  So much so that I am actually doing the thing that I should be doing (except that it's on a blog, rather than a word processor).

Isn't it amusing that we just say "word" now instead of "word processor"?
You're right, that was probably the worst sentence ever that started with, "Isn't it amusing..."
Anyway, Microsoft pretty much pimp-slapped "processor" out of that phrase.

Some day they have to do a movie about the Emanuel brothers.  The problem is that the only people I see playing Ari and Rahm are Jeremy Piven and Samuel L. Jackson.  The script would have to be written by Aaron Sorkin...while on a cocaine bender. 

Do you remember when the question "How about that that stuff going on in the Middle East?" was a simple, innocuous conversation starter?  Then 9/11 happened and the U.S. got involved and everyone had an actual opinion about it.  And I don't mean to offend anyone by asking this, but, in light of recent violence in the region, can we just include North Africa when we ask, "How about that stuff going on in the Middle East?"  I'm great with directions, but incredibly dumb with geography.  I JUST found out where Libya is... I think it's like a 15 minute drive from Iran, right?...jk   

I love Pistachios, it is probably my favorite nut and ice cream flavor.  I like that the nuts come with a shell half open.  Kinda like steamed mussels.  So, pistachios are like the mussels of the... whatever it is they grow on.

I'm feeling very ignorant today, which may explain my helpless state of procrastination.  I fear anything I attempt to write that is smart or coherent will just end up being, "I like soup, soup digest good in belly."

Single Awareness Day is Upon Thee!

Greetings to everyone in Singledom!

It is I, Sir Pants de Frisky, reminding you that Single Awareness Day approaches here to.  Do not fear my friends, the risk of injury from an unfortunate encounter with the Heathens of Monogamy can be avoided just as long as you heed these warnings:

1.  When in fear, drink a beer*.

2.  If thou hast found thy self tempted by the yearning of the monogamous kind, drink some wine.

3.  Avoid'est, as best thy can, establishments of cuisine considered to be romantic or fine (this even includes Olive Garden's, Cheesecake Factories, and the like).  In its stead, patronize those restaurants that have been outfitted to serve meals through windows directly into your coach.

4.  If thou must socialize, only enter upon those establishments that inspire an urge to bring(and use) sanitation napkins. 

5.  Thou will find it wise to ignore all saccharine products in the shape of hearts; they are of the devil's invention.  If thou must consume sweetly things, they must be in bulky, blocky shapes, unless it is ice cream, which should be consumed directly from the container.

6.  It is considered wise to avoid all forms of poetry, especially Shakespeare (the only exceptions are the plays Macbeth and Julius Caesar). 

7.  If thou'est requires diversion through films, avoid those that have these players starring in them: Julia Roberts, Keira Knightley, Anne Hathaway, Kate Hudson, Meg Ryan, Katherine Heigl, and Sandra Bullock. 

8.  Avoidest, at all costs, physical contact with the members of the aforementioned occult, their disease is difficult to cure once infected. 

9.  Thou must avoid all pop music, especially songs by that mousey young fellow, Beiber. 

10.  Remind thyself that pleasures of the flesh are not monopolized by the monogamous and the remaining 364 days of the year, you are free of obligation and duty except to thy own self to live as thou pleases.

As a final point, I must remind thee of the purpose of this day.  It is of love in general and not exclusively romantic (though the romantic will claim it is).  Therefore, celebrate the love you receive and increase the love you give this day to those loved ones that you have been blessed with. 

*I have yet to encounter a circumstance in which this rule could not be effectively applied.

Compromise Compromised

Compromise has, for many years, been a word we hate to love.  It enabled groups to make progress despite making concessions that conflicted with their personal agendas.  Despite our reluctance, we cooperated for the sake of progress towards something.  This has occurred, conceivably, for centuries, and quite possibly, for the entire history of mankind.  In recent years, compromise has become a concept we love to hate, especially in the political arena.

            In light of the State of the Union address given by the President this past Tuesday, reactions have ranged from satisfaction to downright animosity.  In reality, this speech was just a speech.  An over dramatized event that really only serves as a platform from which the president can offer framed recounting of his accomplishments and overly optimistic plans for the coming year of policy-making.  In all honesty, I did not watch/listen to the speech, though I did catch some of the coverage afterward with varying highlight reels shown by the news channels.  The post-speech coverage also turned into an event.  Commentators, analysts, and regular Joe’s weighed in on deciphering what was said in the speech as if they were the very words of Nostradamus predicting the end of days. 

Some called the President’s speech realistic and cautiously optimistic; others labeled it delusional, which was used to paint the entire party the same color.  When it came time to ask viewers their opinions, it was difficult to ignore the way questions were framed to influence the responses.  One woman from Atlanta called the President an hypocrite for advocating partisanship when he himself has never “reached across the aisle”.  I wondered where this woman was when a month ago the President conceded on key details of legislation that was to extend expiring tax cuts; an act of compromise that earned the President criticism from his own party. 

It has become near impossible to find truth amidst all this bitterness.  It’s no secret that younger generations are being raised with an unfounded entitlement that seems to puzzle sociologists far and wide, but has that influenced politics and the media as well?  Entitled to their bitterness because they are not getting what they want from Washington.  The cold war may have ended over 20 years ago, but a hot war within the annals of our capitol seems to be raging hotter than ever.  Or is it merely in the media coverage of it?  Has Journalism become an industry that has learned to thrive by selling the sensational and irrational to the masses?  Compromise has been pushed into the obscure, only to be scoffed at as an outdated, out-hated concept. 

When the President spoke of partisanship and the need for compromise, some said he was being realistic, others delusion.  In this era of skepticism, it’s hard to believe his sincerity, but maybe he was being both realistic and delusional.  In order to progress from here, the need is real, but the reality says it’s impossible.  But an American can dream, can’t he? 

Sex, Doctor?

I don't get why women want to marry doctors.  Sure, they make good amounts of money while saving lives, but what fulfillment is there in dating/marrying a doctor?  Social status?  Pride in being married to someone of a noble vocation?  They work long hours and deal with unsavory bodily fluids all day, so what gives?


It may be something more perverse than that.  In addition to the reasons already questioned, I think it may be the illusion that one who studies the human body knows the human body and therefore is good at sex.  Why wouldn't the doctor be good at locating and stimulating the androgynous zones and as a result give you the best sex of your entire life?  Well, it's kinda like saying just because you studied geography you'll be a good pilot.  Sure, the knowledge may help, but it does not give you the skill. 

On the flip-side, the bad boy, unconventional, artist type is commonly seen as a good lover, but not marriage potential.  Basically, "I don't make a lot of money and I'm probably hungry, but I can fuck your brains out if you'd let me."  Out of the practical careers of gainful employment, doctors come closest to fulfilling all aspects of stability, security and pleasure (supposedly). 

Sex can only be good for two none physical reasons:
1.  It is with someone you love and the act of expressing that love is satisfying and fulfilling.
2.  You are disillusioned to believe or convince yourself that it is good because of the partner's possessions, status or fame (i.e. sex with the President or Mark Zuckerberg*).

Sex can only be good for one physical reason:  The experience shattered your preconceived notions of your own body and the pleasure causes your eyes roll back into your head, at which point you see God throwing flower petal encrusted explosives into your crotch. 

Anyway, new year and I plan on blogging more frequently on whatever topic I'm thinking about or find amusing.  If you have any topics to suggest, feel free to let me know. 

*Considering that Mark Zuckerberg was a big computer nerd prior to becoming computer god, I can't imagine that he performs all that well in the bedroom.  Though, I can't imagine any girl being dumb enough to insult his performance post-coitus.  That guy can practically buy your love.