Job Wanted

I should be scouring the internet for jobs while putting together my resume, but I decided, for the time being, to blog about it instead. 

So I spent about 5 years doing something I didn't particularly like. And after 5 years of it, the thought of going back to that job makes me nauseous.  Seriously, a little stomach acid gurgles into my mouth.  Anyway, now I have the freedom to go after whatever job I want, but that's only half of it, isn't it?  They have to actually want to hire me.  I've been thinking about how I can do that and here are some ideas I came up with to put into my resume. 

Objective, is a section that I heard is a little outdated, but I think I could make it interesting and compelling.  I was thinking of putting "To reach mind-blowing levels of AWESOMENESS".  Though it may not work because I'm not sure if "awesomeness" is a correct word.  Having been an English major, that might work against me. 

The other statement I thought about putting there is: "To give 101.618% in every fucking thing, particularly this job."  First, I used the F-word, so they'll think I'm intense and aggressive, a real game changer and they'll want to hire me.  Second, I'll have to explain it in interview dialogue.

Interviewer:  "So, I see here that you give 101.618%"

Me:  "Fuck yeah...I do."

Interviewer:  "Why is it 1.618%?"

Me:  "It's the golden number, it's magic.  So I bring 100% AND magic.  If you don't hire me I'll hex you and eat your babies."

The interviewer then hires me on the spot not just because he's scared of my hex and his babies getting eaten, but he doesn't want a guy like me working for his competition.  I bring the mother-effin' magic, bitch!

Skills section ideas:

-Possesses over 100 water-cooler icebreakers.

-Can spell "possesses" properly.

-Fluent in 7 languages.  2 are alien, 1 is alien sign language, 1 is imaginary, 1 is an imaginary alien sign language, Korean and English. 

-Bakes*

-Is generous with baked goods**

-Is circumcised so I am religiously flexible.

-Prefers to watch pornography in the privacy of own home.***

-Willing to submit to drug-testing, but really you should be testing the drugs for Michael use. 

-It only takes one of me to change a light bulb.

-The other person in the waiting room told me they like to steal stuff from work.

-Is not a tattle-tale

-Your secretary was playing Angry Birds the entire time I was out there.

-Plays golf well enough so as not to make you regret inviting me to play and not well enough to hurt your pride.

-Almost never really quite seriously to a detrimental degree procrastinates.****

Well, that's all I got so far.  Let me know if some of them shouldn't be on my resume or have better suggestions. 

*I don't really bake, but I'm willing to take it up

**I'm probably gonna have to bring stuff to the interview to make this one convincing

***I'm sure bosses really appreciate this one.

****It's gonna be hard to make that one convincing if I get hired...