Single Awareness Day is Upon Thee!

Greetings to everyone in Singledom!

It is I, Sir Pants de Frisky, reminding you that Single Awareness Day approaches here to.  Do not fear my friends, the risk of injury from an unfortunate encounter with the Heathens of Monogamy can be avoided just as long as you heed these warnings:

1.  When in fear, drink a beer*.

2.  If thou hast found thy self tempted by the yearning of the monogamous kind, drink some wine.

3.  Avoid'est, as best thy can, establishments of cuisine considered to be romantic or fine (this even includes Olive Garden's, Cheesecake Factories, and the like).  In its stead, patronize those restaurants that have been outfitted to serve meals through windows directly into your coach.

4.  If thou must socialize, only enter upon those establishments that inspire an urge to bring(and use) sanitation napkins. 

5.  Thou will find it wise to ignore all saccharine products in the shape of hearts; they are of the devil's invention.  If thou must consume sweetly things, they must be in bulky, blocky shapes, unless it is ice cream, which should be consumed directly from the container.

6.  It is considered wise to avoid all forms of poetry, especially Shakespeare (the only exceptions are the plays Macbeth and Julius Caesar). 

7.  If thou'est requires diversion through films, avoid those that have these players starring in them: Julia Roberts, Keira Knightley, Anne Hathaway, Kate Hudson, Meg Ryan, Katherine Heigl, and Sandra Bullock. 

8.  Avoidest, at all costs, physical contact with the members of the aforementioned occult, their disease is difficult to cure once infected. 

9.  Thou must avoid all pop music, especially songs by that mousey young fellow, Beiber. 

10.  Remind thyself that pleasures of the flesh are not monopolized by the monogamous and the remaining 364 days of the year, you are free of obligation and duty except to thy own self to live as thou pleases.

As a final point, I must remind thee of the purpose of this day.  It is of love in general and not exclusively romantic (though the romantic will claim it is).  Therefore, celebrate the love you receive and increase the love you give this day to those loved ones that you have been blessed with. 

*I have yet to encounter a circumstance in which this rule could not be effectively applied.